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Friday, September 29, 2017

How Do Parents Affect Their Children?

How do parents affect their children?

Retrived from: Awaken you wonderful we

LETTER TO PARENTS
Dear parents,
Thank you very much for your love, your interest with the children in family, here are some insights and suggestions on how to love children in the right way.
The root causes of depression, stress, Autism, ADHD
From the top educators, they all assert that children develop character in the first 6 years of life. Especially the first three years, the children are born as pieces of white paper, where adults who love children can draw on easily with the love, compassion, rewards and punishment. Have you ever asked why developed countries have good welfares for children and mothers after giving birth? Because the understanding that the quality of living the small children create the good characters, which will shape the quality of the nation in future. They consider the children not only belong to the parents, the children but also are the precious property of the nations. The parents, who are well educated about caring and loving children, know how to love their children in a right way. Unfortunate for the children in developing countries, adults do not know these understanding, so that the children are nourishing casually, carelessly or even crucially. It is not standard of living or the love of parents making the different of living in the small children, but the understanding. It will be the great for small children if their parents gain the understanding of loving the right way.
As a result, Vietnamese corporations have to hire the 1970s or 1980s children are invited to work with a salary of one hundred to two hundred million dong per month (5000$ - 10000$ per month), to manage the 1970s and 1980s Vietnamese children. Vietnamese children like you and me and our friends with the salary of from three, five to ten million dong per month (from 100$ to 500 $ per month)
Have you ever measured how much our generation lost?
This is the visible loss in hundreds of visible losses, which we have to bear. Sadly, that the hundreds of visible losses compare with the real losses are like the top of iceberg to the iceberg. We can sense endless misery in daily life, in newspaper, in media, which are the result of our ignorance, of misunderstanding lead to mistreating our children. With wrong interpretation, lack of understanding, we as the parents creating millions of loses for our children unconsciously without noticing. If we are not awake, our disadvantages and losses will become the disadvantage of our descendants. Most of western children also bear the losses, if you look at the gaps of ordinary people with the successful ones you will see the losses. The ordinary people in some extend they are lacking some skills so that they are the products of environment.
Teachers in developed countries, teach in nursery school and elementary school, need a higher degree than the teachers in high school, at least master degree. They seem as the educators, they educate children with ethic, virtue, and characters. On the other hand, teachers of high school seem as the trainers, they train students with skills. The new kindergarten teachers properly called Educators because they are shaping the personality of a human being. In Vietnam, it is quite the reverse, so I hope you not only play the role of parents but also the role of a educators.
There are two exercises and suggestions I would like you to practice with your children:
First, imagine you have a magic wand, you can swing and turn your children become anyone who they can become like politicians, entrepreneurs, educators, reformers, innovators, or the individuals you admire. What kind of characters do your children have? They can be some of these: confidence, independence, bravery, sharp thinking, creativity, humor, enthusiasm, charisma, great attitude, and the virtues of a leader. To have these characters, you are in the role of shaping: What is your specific work that you do daily, monthly and annually do for your children, when your children are one-year old, two-years old, three-years old and so on until they become mature.
There is a fact I always remind ourselves: “there will be those born in 2012, or 2016, after thirty to forty years later, some of them will become the prime ministers, the presidents, the directors, the leaders, the composers, the musicians, and the successful people. On the other hand, some of them can also become guards, motorbike carriers, taxi drivers, transporters, dullards, criminals, and drug addicts.
Just slicing of our society to observe, there will be varieties kind of people like described in society, who born in the 1960s, 1970s, and 1980s were like angels. After time looking after, teaching and caring in the families and society, under the good ways of respecting, love, encouraging, praise, gradually raising the challenge, have the opportunity to communicating, experiencing and open their own eyes. Unconsciously, under wrong way being abusive, being crucial punished, insulting, poorly labeled, negative affirming and without respect. Our societies in countries all over the world with lot of dark sides and bright sides are now the results. Do not just criticize the regime, the society. I affirm that now is the best regime in Vietnam and the world. We gain the most advancement in the last three hundred years; there is no time in the past better than this time of present. Most of the results are due to the family's identity, the influences of parents, relatives, environment and the way of using resources during the early stage of life of our children. Sometime we do the good influences consciously, most of the time we make bad influences unconsciously.
Looking at our angels, I think there is nothing impossible with them. Things that they think impossible or cannot later in life are thoughts mainly forced by adults, accidentally or intentionally loaded in children’s head. Adult use rewards and punishment make the coercion, the obligation, the prohibition, the blindly love, screaming and shouting with anger and the irrational reaction to gradually forming their beliefs. Our ways are quite different from that of parents living in the mansion, the millionaires, or billionaires, parents on the world.
Do not give trust in television and movies, mesmerizing movies, scandals, and negative news. Be wary of media and television, the main purpose of the television is to compete to get more viewers. The mind has characters of attracted to negative news, not interested much with good news. Therefore, the negative stuff full on the media and television; it is easy to get and have the highest appeal. There will be no bright men, or positive people watch television all day. Their level of lucidity decreases as they exposure to cheap films and negative news on television. We can figure out that the top farmers, artists, lecturers, experts, speakers, professors and politicians rarely spend time on television, especially with negative media. Negative television can be as a resource of negative energy that infuses negative energy to all aspects of our life unconsciously. We can sense the negative energy if we pay attention.
Second, you also have a role as subordinates and the employees in the company, you often have desires, feelings, and expectations from your superiors. Sometime you also bear the shamefulness and anger from your ignorant managers. In fact, your children have the same desire, feelings, and expectations from you. Sometime, your children also bear the shamefulness and anger from your ignorance. At work, you have the feelings of joy, excitement, enthusiasm or sadness and disappointment in the interaction with your managers, which lead to the quality of work; at home, sometimes your children have the same feelings, which lead to the quality of your children’s life. Conflict is hard to avoid, but the role of the person in charge of the interaction can make the differences in the conflict. Your children expect you to pay attention to their emotions, needs, thoughts, and aspirations in solving conflict; the good marks or bad marks you leave in solving the conflicts, which are high in emotion and attracted attention, can contribute the biggest influence to your children’s life. Anything from emotions, thoughts, to beliefs you have created in your children will form the characters of your children in the future.
Stay mindfulness to observe your motivations, thoughts, feelings and expectation in every situation, review it every night; you will have lot of ideas and right emotions to talk to your children. The quality of the conversation and interaction compound with time will make the big differences in your children. Be aware of the observation, and learn from your experiences to gain the compassion, love and patience to play with your children.
Real cause of of human problems: Autism, Depression and Stress
As you see the best present give to your child is your progresses every day. There will be happy children if they have the best parents, who become better every day, every month, and every year. Good parents lead to good brothers, good neighbors, good grandparents, and most important is the parents themselves. Good parents understand themselves, their children, and life enough that they can help their children with problems
Good parents have the habits of learning, reading, good characters and good habits described in book “Seven habits of highly effective people” of Stephen Covey, of which child will observe and learn very quickly by imitation form their parents. Researchers show that children learn very quickly through imitation: the words, behaviors, gestures, or even curses from parents and environment, they learn very quickly with the process of rewards and punishments. They learn so quickly that three years old children have the amount of vocabulary that foreigners have to learn from five to ten years to get that amount of vocabulary. If parents are from two differences countries, their children can speak fluently two languages easily when they are five year old. In addition, children also have bad parental habits. Observing the small children and adults separately in a party, observers can easily match which children are belong to the specific parents by the behaviors. In addition to learning through imitation, children are also excited to learn through all the five senses like holding objects, touching, biting and tasting by mouths; interesting sounds and light can attract the attention of children too. Children have endless curiosity in learning and observing environment if parents encourage and support them. Owing for the safe and interesting environment that parents give to children, with the enthusiasm, endless curiosity of the children, the children can learn many things in very short time compare to the adults. Please meet the curiosity of children, welcome the discomfort you have. With the question that you do not know the answer, you can ask for help from other people or work with your children to find the answers, do not disappointed your children, do not interrupt the flow of energy in your children. The more energy flow in your children’s body, the better, the healthier your children are. The small children have lot of energy, energy need to nourish by actions; this is the reason why small children ask, talk, play, run, jump and study all day without tired. The more support of parents, the better the energy. When the children suppressed by environment, they start to suppress the energy, they do not ask, do not talk, do not run, do not jump, and do not study. The approximate illustration is a three years old child asks a hundred questions a day endlessly without tired. After threatening, denying, and punishing by environment; the five years old child asks only ten questions a day; the ten years old child is so afraid to ask that only ask three questions a day. The students labeled as ignorant students in the class, never asked, or questioned how to solve the problem; they lose the important skills in life, going to school or work, they never dare to ask any question so they never get the right answers. The labeled ignorant students have the patterns of behaving same as the patterns of the old, which seem like poor energy, they do not ask or question any unwanted things. We are as the parents need to relive the energy in these children with love, encouragement, funny actions, and joyful environment.


In nature, softness, weakness, eager to learn and curiosity are the indicators of life and development. Rigidity, conservatism, stiffness, refusing to learn and lack of curiosity are the indicators of death and recession. We can see these indicators in water and rock, small plants and the old plants, the young and the old. Einstein taught "curiosity and imagination is the save of traditional education." So please encourage and satisfy the curiosity of your children; and nourish the imagination with the fairy tales.
Do not work so hard but ineffective, just teach your children and form the good habits in family like creativity, positive feedback, sharing, loving, supporting, open communicating, not attacking personal, and focusing on solving the problems. As parents, you need to create fun and excitement in the formation of these characters. Remember to enhance self-esteem and confidence in your children by making children feel important; always praise, encourage, appreciate your children. In interaction, pay attention to justice, respect, kindness, generosity, and love. Do not let your children experience the feelings of fear and inferiority because of comparing. If you remember the past events solving your problems with your parents, you will understand and compassionate the thoughts, feelings, and desires of your children in difficult time. Because the children have the same basic needs, thoughts, feeling, and desires like you when you were in childhood.
These are some of my ideas, thank you for listening, I hope that you will remind me when I break the rules, and I will not mind to remind you if you commit any mistake.
Few people realize in Vietnamese song:
"Parents are the shield,
Protect entire the child’s life."
This deep-rooted insight is in stark contrast to the western way of teaching and caring for children. We need to remove for the children have chance to develop. In difficulty, children have chances to use the function of hands, legs, eyes, ears and all other senses, and the brain to think. If parents protect their children every day because they are afraid of their children can get hurt when doing and solving the problem, they accidentally take away all the chances to develop the children’ ability.
You need to take time to contemplate on these views.
First is extremely cruel, extremely loving - the book title
Second is shallow looking catch the love, but looking deep, we can realize, To some extent, it is extreme cruelty; some parents love their children so blindly that their love destroys the characters of the children, they force children to adopt the things which they think are good for their children. Cursing and comparing in hope that children will do better, crucially forcing the children to eat large amount of foods at all cost, raising children as fatty as possible. This is the heartless love, selfish love; parents use violence in the mask of love to force the children the things parents want but do not care much about what the children want. Love that goes with crucial forcing without understanding the children can hurt the children the most.
Third is how to make your children have passion and love with learning, working and training. Passion and love are only gain through kind guidance, compassion, open mindedness from parents to wake up responsibility and compassion in children. People with passion can create extraordinary results.
Excellent students like studying, working and training. In the mind of excellent students, they match studying, learning, and working with fun and excitement; moreover, they attach enjoying, useless playing, playing online game, wasting time with the suffering and misery. If they play and waste time, they will sense the loss of time to reach their goals, they will sense the pain from missing the visions, they can feel the pain their parents will bear, and the misery their family will suffer. They can feel the imaginative misery as strong as real misery. The pain bearing in future is far bigger than the joy of enjoying or playing game. In the equation of cost and benefit in taking decision, good students always have enough good clues to make good decisions. These students do not need strict management from their parents.
On the other hand, students with poor results are afraid of studying, thinking, working, and training. In their mind, they misconceive learning, studying, training with pain, fatigue, and exhaust. They conceive useless playing, playing game, wasting time, destroying with fun and excitement. If they play and waste time, they will not sense any loss of time, they do not care much in finding, and pursuing the goals, they will not sense any pain from missing the blur visions, they can feel no pain even their parents have to bear in future. They feel the temporary joy and excitement with the playing, destroying, and wasting time. They are not familiar with the hard works needing effort, concentration, and contemplation; they feel extreme pain and boredom with studying, thinking, working and training. The temporary pain and joy collect from present. In the equation of cost and benefit in taking decision, bad students always have enough clues of temporary of pain and joy, which are combining into bad decisions and bad actions. These bad students have huge amount of wild energy, it is like the flow of water; if being suppressed too much, even with thick, strong dam of rules; one day the energy can break out the dam with extreme power and making the children rebel unconsciously leaving the extreme wounds for everybody. These students do need the management from their parents with love, compassion, patience and understanding. These are vital elements to direct the wild energy to the useful routes. The parents skillful in parenting can create the benefit changes in their rebelling children. Reading the stories of many successful men, we can see the turning point in their life owning for the love, compassion, considering, patience and understanding from the skillful people. The skillful people can be their parents, relatives, heroes or any one they accidentally met.
 Fourth is it leads a management perspective "management is an excessive act if the group is well-lead." In my point of view, this management perspective is also true for the family. Good leader is one of the explanations that some families gain outstanding achievement and happiness with leisure in action and less effort. On the other hand, the family with bad leader, people work hard all day, tired without any comfort; gains no happiness, little achievement even putting the huge effort into action.
Fifth is in psychology, people often do or take action to make them feel comfortable, and happy; and people avoid doing things that cause the feeling of pain or discomfort. To some extent, some bad habits like smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, addicting drugs, playing game, or rebelling can satisfy some of the needs of the children, the satisfaction of needs can make children feel joyful or happy. These bad habits can help them to create the feelings of comfort, so that when in stress, these kids want to find these bad habits to make them feel at ease. So that the effective way of quitting addiction is having the support, compassion and love from people around, which are helpful in creating supporting environment to prevent the stress, and the helping if needed when stress come.
It would be great if you, your family, schools and your society could create the feelings of fun, excitement and meaningful in the studying and working for your children; and create the feelings of hatred, pain or regret in smoking, playing video games, addicting, wasting time and overeating. Unfortunately, the conscious or unconscious behaviors of Vietnamese parents make the children feel sick, tired and bored with working and studying. That is one of reasons that many kids want to avoid working and studying and want to find the things that make them immediately feel joyful like watching television, playing game online, playing gambling and rebelling. Understanding the motivators of actions, parents can think and observe to find the best way to change the bad habits in children to the good ones gradually, with little efforts but the most effectively.
Sixth is when you learn and practice, you will gain the understanding. On the process of learning and practicing, you will encounter with the concept of Pareto principle or the 80/20 principle, which is similar to "first thing first" of Stephen Covey, to find out and prioritize what is important first. In Jim Rohn teaching we can find this pattern: “successful people are major in major things and minor in minor things; and unsuccessful people are minor in major things and major in minor things.
These are my suggestions. I hope you can contemplate at the suitable time to help your children.
Let think how hard for parents of Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi, Bill Gate, Steve Job, Warren Buffet, Mark Zuckerberg, many other self-made millionaires, activists, and human educators to raise their children become self-made billionaires, self-made billionaires. When you find the right answers, you will understand the keys of advance education system of developed countries, the keys of mastery parents, the keys of leadership. Best of all, you have chance to awaken that the highest art of action, simple is non-action.

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